Washington D.C. — The White House expects President Trump to sign a new executive order this week to combat poverty. The order, titled “The Best Modest Proposal,” was leaked to the media and has raised quite a few eyebrows around Washington.
In the order, Trump’s administration calls for more accountability in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services by instituting a welfare payback program for all Americans who have received welfare payments, provided they are employed.
This program, while immoral, and, frankly, inhuman, wasn’t the most offensive part of the proposal. The real shock was how Trump insisted on punishing welfare recipients who can’t, or won’t, pay back what they were given. These “lazy potatoes,” as Trump referred to them, will be chopped apart, cooked up, and served at over-priced Trump establishments across the United States.
After making his announcement, Trump did not take questions from reporters not on White House Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon’s payroll, but reaction from audience members was swift and panicked.
“I expected horrible things from this President, but to eat people just because they are down on their luck? It’s despicable,” said one woman, who laid down on the ground and refused to get up until someone else was president.
“I liked the Hunger Games as a book, but I’d prefer not to live in it,” said a middle-aged man who, despite his “Make America Great Again” hat, disapproved of his president’s latest proposal. Still, the man argued he supported President Trump’s constitutional right to be a giant turd with zero empathy for human beings.
The order, which Trump insisted was his own and was not inspired by any existing literature, will be sent to the Senate in the next week where Republican lawmakers are expected to pass it through without change.
Senator John McCain was one of a few Republican lawmakers who spoke out against Trump’s latest mouth-crazy. “I can’t believe I have to say this, but the poor are people and we shouldn’t eat them.”
McCain refused to comment further; instead, he moved over to a window and stared out of it for a long time.
Trump responded to McCain’s comment on Twitter. “The poor ARE people, and they’re delicious,” Trump said, including a photo with Trump Tower’s latest dish: Soylent Green Eggs and Ham.
Advisors to the Trump administration assured the press that Trump didn’t actually mean what he said, that the proposal didn’t actually propose what it proposed, and that words don’t actually mean what words mean because the word “literally” no longer actually means “literally.”
But Trump doubled down in a later tweet, saying, “If the poor didn’t want to be eaten, they shouldn’t have chosen to be poor.”
A few minutes later, Trump called into Fox News to say, “I’ve been eating poor people for years, and look at how good I look. Can you believe I’m actually a 3,000 year old non-corporeal being with the sole purpose of creating chaos and fear? Also I won an Emmy for The Apprentice and I totally deserved it. I attribute all of my success to eating poor people.”
This speech of lies seemed to rattle even Sean Hannity, who clutched a bible to his chest and seemed to shudder every time President Trump sniffed.
Surprisingly, not everyone was offended by the idea to eat other human beings just because they couldn’t pay back their welfare debt. NPR recently walked the streets of rural communities that overwhelmingly voted Trump, including Beaumont, Texas, a small industrial town on the border of Texas and Louisiana.
“Give Trump a chance. Who knows? Maybe we’ll like eating people,” said an older woman who had clearly never met a dish she didn’t like to eat.
“Why not eat people?” asked a young man who, unsolicited, referred to himself as a ‘coon ass’. “I mean, we’ll just put it in gumbo. Nothin’ a good roux can’t make taste good. Hell, I even ate that whooping crane people were so messed up about bein’ shot. Tasted like chicken.”
“It’s actually biblical, if you think about it,” said a middle-aged woman on her way to church. “Jesus’ disciples ate him; that’s why we take communion. So, really, eating people is what Jesus would do.”
“Typical liberal snowflakes,” said a muscled-up man with a shaved head about those who opposed Trump’s plan. “Grow up, crybabies, or we’ll eat you first.”
The latest polling data revealed the country is nearly split on this issue, with 49 percent of Americans saying, “Eating people is wrong, and why did I just have to make my mouth say those words?” and 49 percent of Americans saying, “Trump is President now and he’s going to change Washington and wait what he wants us to eat poor people? Ok fine as long as he doesn’t make us eat white people.”
Two percent of the population were unable to respond to pollsters as they couldn’t stop crying.